1.  Took a swig of beer while I was going down on him for the first time. 
our exchange:

me:  “mmffgmfs”
him: “slurp”
me:  “mgghsd…..did you just take a swig of beer?”
him: “…uuhhh…nooommaayybeeokyes”
me:  “uuhhh wtf?”
him: “what you’re doing was so good, and the beer is so good, i wanted to have them together!”
me:  “!!”  *nice job on the flattery, but I’m still kinda pissed*
him: “aww come on, I’m sorry, really!  just get back to what you were doing, comeeoonn pleeassei’msorrryyyyy…waahhh!”
me:  “sure, fine, whatever”  *oh god, just shut up!..rolls eyes*

2.  On an 8 hour roadtrip, he woke me up by pretending to be an alarm clock.  The exchange in the car:

me:  “Hey, wake me up in 20 min.”
him:  “Ok.”
20 min later
BEEP BEEEP BEEEEP!!
me:  *WTF??!*
him: BEEP BEEP BEEP
me: “What are you doing??!!!”
him:  “You said to wake you up in 20 min.”
me:  “Why would you do it like that?!?!?”
him: “huh?”
me:  *ok, not worth it*

Now if you know me at all, if you only know me a little bit, you know I can’t stand being abrubtly woken up (although honestly, I don’t know anyone who does like it, so I would have thought this went without saying…obviously not).  This was already 6 months into the relationship.  It may sound trivial, but jeezus cherist people, if after 6 months you don’t know that I HATE being woken up like that, well Fuck you!

3.  He said my favorite dress that I had made in China looked like a nurse’s uniform and then couldn’t understand why that might not be a compliment.  Even after I tried to explain it several times.  Sigh.

Add your own top 3 if ya like!

This was quite a while ago, but here’s a play by play as I remember it:

• I just moved to town and got my dream job working on a movie set.
• Guy and I meet in the elevator going to set.
• Guy makes crazy excuse to run into me at work.
• Guy specifically ditches co-workers to sit with me at lunch for a couple days in a row.  He is courting me like crazy.
• Guy tells me he’s 20 and has no car.  (I am 26 at the time and had sworn off younger dudes, but this guy seems like an old soul…and he really made me laugh)
• We talk on the phone for several hours.
• We make a date to meet up outside of work.  This consisted of me picking him up at a Burger King parking lot.  We kiss, leaning on my car, with people wizzing by heading to the drive through, and the wonderful scent of cooking meat filling our nostrils, getting us in the mood.
• I sneak him into a bar.  We have a great time.  I take him home and we make out in his cousin’s driveway.
• He sends me texts throughout the day while we’re at work together.  This goes on for about a week.
• We hang out over the weekend.  Get stoned. Take a walk around my neighborhood holding hands.  Spend the rest of the day in my bed.

Aaaaand, this is where the other shoe drops, because well, lets face it.  Some dudes just freak the fuck OUT when you have sex with them.

• We make plans to hang out after work the next night.  He was supposed to call me when he got done.  A couple hours go by and I don’t hear from him.  I call and leave him a message.  I start to get worried.  I think I let a couple more hours go by and then I called again and left another message on his answering machine, saying hey, what’s the deal, are you ok?  Maybe that’s what screwed everything up.  I don’t know, but he never called me back.
• I saw him at work and was like, hey! what the hell?  He gives me some story about his phone dying.  I say ok, fine, whatever, but you should have somehow gotten in touch with me to let me know you’re ok.  *I think this is common decency…but what do I know?  I’m only a woman, right?*
• He starts acting really distant.  Then he starts ignoring me completely.
• I still have to work with him for another week.
• He won’t even look at me.
• I myspace stalked him and found out…he’s not 20, this dude is 17!  *!!*
• The best explanation I ever got from him was, it got too intense and he couldn’t deal.
• After work my cousin found me on his couch watching the series finale of Six Feet Under, just sobbing.
• My cousin really thought I was over reacting and that the show end really wasn’t that sad.

I didn’t really want to tell my cousin that I had accidently fucked a 17 year old, and that he had broken my heart.

I was having a girls night out with one of my friends and we went to one of our neighborhood bars for some wine.  We picked out a table against the wall and since there were two of us, we only filled two of the four seats, leaving two seats open to the world.  This was obviously a terrible tragedy that needed to be rectified.  How could two lovely ladies possibly survive at a watering hole by themselves??!  I JUST DON’T KNOW!

I’m assuming that was the thought process that went through the dude’s mind when he plopped down into one of the empty chairs.  You would expect if someone is going to be that imposing they would at least offer some reason as to why they are there.  Nope.  Not the case.

Dude just sat down and when we stopped our conversation and looked over at him to see what he wanted he said, “Oh!  Don’t mind me.  Finish your conversation.”

Ooooh, how polite of you!

We just stared for a moment, then tried to start our conversation again but he was just watching us.  I tried a couple times to see what he wanted, all with the same response,”I don’t want to interrupt, please continue!”

After a couple minutes of this, I just said, “Hey.  What’s the deal?”  To which he finally launches into his spiel.

“I just thought it was a shame that there were these two beautiful women sitting by themselves.”

“Excuse me?”

He pretty much ignores this and starts chatting us up with some eye glazing blather.  We tolerate this for a few minutes (way longer than we should have) and then I  say, “Hey look, I don’t mean to be rude, but we haven’t seen each other for a while, do you mind?”

“Oh! Oh yeah, of course!  You guys have a nice night.”

This is why one of my New Years resolutions is to be meaner.

I was at a show with a girlfriend, and we are obviously engaged in a very deep and fascinating conversation (it was either debating what event defined our generation, September 11th or Kurt Cobain’s suicide, or discussing the merits of gay porn, I can’t remember which).  But anyway, we both see these two dudes roll up to us.  Now, my friend is thinking “Aaaawwwmaaan, incoming!”  She is happily involved with someone, but since she is an awesome friend, she plays along.  (I am single, she didn’t want to cock-block if I was into one of them)

Wingman opens the conversation with, “So we’re gonna try something.”

Us:  Umm, ok.

Wingman:  You guys dropped your name tags.

Us:  Um, no, I don’t think so.  *look at each other like, what?*

Wingman and Other Guy (OG), in tandem, reach into their pockets and pull out….”Sweet Thing” sugar alternative packets (poor man’s Sweet ‘n’ Low).

I bust out laughing.  I believe my next comment was, “Which book gave you that opener?”

OG:  Came up with it tonight at dinner.

Me:  Well you’ve got our attention, now what?

Insert lame small talk here.  I think I made some joke about how awful it was to have a last name of “Thing” growing up.  Progress to:

OG: You know if you have an out of town license you can’t buy booze here.

Me:  Huh?

OG:  Yeah *Shows me California license*

Me:  Ohhhh, no, it’s just people around here don’t like Californians.

About this point my friend says she’s gonna get us another round.  On her way back, I give her the “Ok, get us outta this” eye.  We take a couple sips, make a little more inane conversation and she turns to the band merch table and says, “Oooh loook!! They’ve got cassette tapes, NO WAY!”  And with that, we are free!!

Ok Boys, here are some things I took away from this exchange:

1.  Because of all the TV shows teaching guys to pick up chicks (ie. MTV’s The Pick Up Artist or the new stupid ass movie, “I Hope they Serve Beer Up your Ass you Complete Douchebag Tucker Max”) when you use a cheesy pick up line it is soooo obvious that you really don’t have much game.  Which brings us to 2.

2.  If you’re going to use a pick-up line, have some conversation to back up the opener

3.  You might be a great guy, but you don’t have to directly interrupt an obviously perfectly entertaining conversation and replace it with your lame repertoire.  It is NOT a shame that two gorgeous intelligent women are having a conversation that does not involve a man.  Which leads me to 4.

4.  Subtlety is a virtue.  Most of the time, you’ll get a lot farther if you just happen to wander over and hang out near us, or maybe even ask if we have a cigarette.  Or, hey!  You guys know when the next band is coming on?  I mean, jeez!  You can play it a little coy.  We don’t need to know that you want to be in us RIGHT off the bat.  (Yes guys, thats is the message that lame pick-up lines send)

And anyway, I totally thought the wingman was cuter.  Dang.

1.  Be meaner!  2.  Don’t care about what people think!  3.  Floss more!

Well, back to when I was young and reeeeally stupid.  Sephy and I hung out one last time and then I had the friends talk again with him.  Again, he said he didn’t want to do that “friends bullshit”.  So I stopped talking to him completely.  To my non-surprise, I get the whinny, sad, why aren’t we even friends email.  At this point I’m like fuck it.  I politely reitterate my point of view which is, “We’re not dating.  You don’t want to be friends.  There isn’t anything in between.  Just leave it alone for a while.”

The calls, the emails, it doesn’t stop, and even this post is boring me….lets just get to the good part.  Check it!

I sent him a very blunt email saying nothing other than, “I do not want to hang out with you. Stop contacting me.” To which I got this reply….sigh:

“OK, you’re definitely being excessively fucking harsh. (1) If you find it necessary to demonize me to get over me, enjoy. This is ridiculous. (2) It’s called dialogue. If you can’t have it, there are civil ways to say it. (3) There is not a single goddamned thing that I have done in any of our interactions, ever, that warrants talking to me like this. If I seemed persistent/insistent, you should fucking remember you just suddenly started avoiding me for no reason so I had no bearing on where you stood. Why do you have to fucking sour this? (4) Ok, you need your space, I get the point. Initially that wasn’t the case. The case you put before me was that because I didn’t want to be friends you didn’t know what I wanted from you and we couldn’t deal with each other. Then I changed my mind and do want to be friends. Then you tell me you’re skeptic. Then I explain there’s no reason to be skeptic. Then you blow up and say “LOOK I DONT WANT TO HANG OUT STOP BOTHERING ME”. What is your deal?! EVEN WHEN WE WERE BREAKING UP WE WEREN’T LIKE THIS. (5) If you want space, you can show a little restraint in saying “I still need some space.” As much as you don’t want to believe this, I’m actually patient and understanding. (6) I mean if nothing else, for someone who’s done things in the past ranging from helping you move into your house to hooking you up with a sweet deal on a powerbook and repeatedly fixing it, the least you can afford me is returning civility when I’m offering it to you in interaction. Clearly you’re not at the point where you’re ready to hang out. I FUCKING GET IT. If you need some more time to get over some issues about me, if you need some space, you can fucking have it. Things aren’t to a point where we need to burn bridges. I don’t know where you’re getting all this bitterness from. (7) YOU’RE the one who broke up with ME and I’m not even bitter about it. (8) I can only hope that at some point you get past all that and remember that we are still quite capable of having a great time down the line.”

Ok!  So lets go through the ways this email is fucked up.  Add you’re own if you see something I missed!

(1)  Me get over him…..hmmmm…this one just makes me shake my head….

(2)  Dialog means that there is two way conversation where hopefully both parties are hearing the other’s comments.  With Sephy, it was never a dialog, it was, “Words are coming out of your mouth, aww you must be saying how much you like me and think I’m hot!  Thats sooo cute, baby”

(3)  Uuhhh, you don’t deserve being treated this way?  Well maybe you should learn to listen.  I DON’T LIKE YOU!  Oooh I’m sorry was that harsh??  Geee, I just thought you might be deaf or something.

(4)  Yep, when we first started dating I didn’t know you weren’t creepy, intense, insecure guy so yeah, I didn’t “need space”.

(5)  I said I needed space many times.  See #2

(6)  Ooooh you helped me move!  Oooohh you fixed my computer!  Drop your pants now!  I obviously owe you many blow jobs!  Yay!

(7)  Best line of all, “YOU’RE the one who broke up with ME and I’m not even bitter about it.”  Love it.  ’nough said.

(8)  He still wants to hang!  Oh my god, I’m so happy about that.  I was sooo worried we weren’t going to be friends in the end!

We are facebook friends now.

James was a perfect (and recent) example of this and it got me thinking about who else has treated me this way (because as battshit crazy as James is, he’s certainly not the first guy I’ve dated to go off the deep end). This jaunt down memory lane first lead me to Sephy.

Sephy and I met when I braved the ungodly hell that is going to the Apple store for product support. This time was no different except that after 3 HOURS trying to get my iPod fixed (next time, i swear, I’m throwing it out the damn window) I came out of the experience with a shiny new mp3 player and an Apple employee admirer.

I guess Sephy was too shy to ask me for my number at the time, or perhaps its against company policy, so instead he used my info from the repair sheet.  I suppose this could be construed as creepy (jeez, I think I need to find a synonym to creepy), but at the time I thought it was funny and resourceful.  So we start going out on dates and he is awesome!  Super funny and spontaneous, and likes all the same music as me!  Wholy Shit!  The only bad thing at this point is he was one of the worst kissers i had EVER met (he was only rivaled recently by someone who was just so ridiculously bad, I can’t believe he had ever lost his virginity, but whatever, thats another story).

I don’t remember when I decided I wasn’t totally into him.  He was a lot younger than me, and his friends….well…they weren’t terribly mature (Like using Tucker Max’s book as their manifesto).  Hmm…also, he didn’t drink.  Thats a big problem when you wake up with an empty wine bottle in your hand, like I do most weekend mornings.  So, for whatever reason (this was quite a while ago now, I’m a little rusty on the details) I decided to break it off with him. His response?

“No.”

Uuuuhhhh…..oohhhkaaay…..*thats a weird response*

We kept hanging out for a little while after that but it didn’t last very much longer.

Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching and he wanted to take me out to a nice dinner.  Perfect timing for breaking it off for good!  Unfortunately, I decided to do it the night before I had a huuuuge project due for work.  I told him over the phone that I didn’t want to see him romantically anymore.  Thats when he thought it would be a good idea to come over and try to convince me otherwise.  Lovely!

Ahhh, young and stupid, and super curious as to what he could say that would possibly change my mind, I went along with him to my favorite 24hour coffee shop.  Now its pretty late at this point, and I’ve only got a couple more hours before I have to turn in my work, but we end up at the coffee shop for 4 HOURS while he tried everything and anything to get me to change my mind.  I finally tell him straight up, “I don’t find you sexually attractive,” (yes I said sexually attractive…hehehe).  His response?

“I don’t believe you.”

Uhhhhh….ooookkayyyyyy……*douchebag*

This time I argued back and forth with him, but really, I mean REALLY, what do you say to someone who won’t accept reality when it slaps them in the face??  There was obviously no sense in trying to talk further so I just started agreeing with everything he said so that I could get home and get my work done.  I believe I left his car that night by saying everything was fine.

I called him the next day and said no more.  I offered the friends deal, but he said he didn’t want “to do that friends shit”.  Fine with me.  Strangely enough, he kept calling and emailing, and every once in a while I’d breakdown and hang with him again.  When I was a little too MIA for his liking, I started getting the weepy, guilt trip, why won’t you talk to me emails, like this little excerpt here:

“So i mean normally if you haven’t returned my calls, i’d figure you’re just busy. I mean especially when we were first dating and i subscribed to playing the “I’m not pressed” game. However, i can’t think of a time …where i’d call you and you hadn’t returned my call at least within 48 hours. As stupid as this is, it makes me worry a lil. I mean I’m sure all is fine. Various scenarios pop into my head that seem very like you. Maybe you’re just flying from hanging out w/ people to doing something with the new job to getting smashed at the bar and just hadn’t the time to text or call me back. Maybe you’re trying to conserve your minutes and not call me during the day and at night you’re too damn busy. Maybe you had a wild weekend and Lord knows if your cell phone ended up on some foreign bathroom floor where you may have spent some quality time regretting some of the drinks from earlier in the evening and you just forgot where you may have left it. Then there are other scenarios that plague me. Maybe you feel like you need more time and space from me. Maybe you resent me for some reason. Maybe you’re with some guy now and you feel like talking to me complicates things.”

Ok, the bathroom floor line is pretty hilarious and possibly true, but at the same time he was writing this, he was also talking with a good friend of mine and saying fucked up shit like this:

“I know she says she just wants to be friends and shit, girls say a lot of shit though, I mean she tried to tell me she wasn’t attracted to me. Which was horseshit. I mean she says that cuz she thinks it’d be easier and she’s too jaded to think it could work again.”

Are we even on the same planet?!?!  Good grief.  Sometimes the male psyche is FREEAKKY!  Next post, I dissect the ridiculousness of the following email exchange.  Ahhh the internet age….

Points for originality.

So we spend the next hour or so debating the war.  His stance is that Bush was dealt a bum deal.  I just can’t believe people actually still think that the war was necessary.  I’m trying to hide the look of disgust and horror because I’m slowly realizing if he’s this pro Bush and McCain…he’s gotta be pro-life too.  Ok, ok, I know this is a lot of political ranting here.  Sorry.  All through the debate, he keeps saying stuff like, “wow, I like listening to you talk.”  “you really know your stuff”.  Well, yes.  I happen to be an informed individual…is that so surprising?  I’m sucking down vodka sodas like there’s no tomorrow….which hopefully explains why I let him kiss me.  (BARF!)  So, yeah…there was some making out at the bar and somehow it was decided that we’d go back to his place for some wine and cigars….sigh.

So on the way back to his place we’re still talking politics and I straight up ask him if he’s pro-life.  We both know he is and to his credit he admits it to which I say, “I’m sorry, i can never date a man who’s pro-life”.  He starts back peddling but whatever, its waaay too late.  I’m explaining why I feel that way as we make our way into his apartment where, I shit you not, he dims the lights and puts on the Smooth Jazz station on the digital TV.  Smooth Jazz people!  WTF?  This guy is 31.  And this is about where the night takes its final turn for the worse.

We sit out on his porch smoking cigars and drinking wine (which is exactly what I need at 2:30am on a Wed, when I’m already waaasted, I think I let it go this long for sick facination).  He keeps telling me what a good time he’s had, and what a catch I am.  I remember telling him he was wife shopping.  About 15 min of smooth jazz later I start getting the spins and realize its about time I hit the bathroom cause I’m gonna hurl.  I figure this is just another night I’ll add to the list of nights spent on a guy’s bathroom floor when the guy thought he was gonna get laid (Sorry guys!  My bad!  In both those cases I did want to sleep with you!  in this case, no matter how drunk I was, I would NEVER have slept with the dude, I at least had that much sense).

I make my way to the bathroom,  yack, and curl up on the bathmat (yay for bathmats!).  Billy comes in after a bit sees me there and says I should get in bed.  I protest and say I’m fine, but he’s adamant, so I shrug my shoulders and head over to the bed knowing full well in about 2 minutes I’ll have to get up and go back to the toilet.  Whatever, I go to make him shut up.  Of course, I’m right and 2 minutes later I’ve got the spins and I head back to the bathroom so I don’t puke in his bed.  After barfing, I curl back up on the bathmat (yay cold tile!).  I am perfectly happy where I am, but me sleeping on the bathroom floor totally horrifies Billy.  He comes in and keeps telling me to get in bed.  I keep saying no I’m fine.  Example of the exchange between us:

Me:  I’m fine.
Billy:  No your not, come to bed.
Me:  seriously, I do this all the time.
Billy:  I’m not gonna make a move on you, just get in the bed.
Me:  Really I’m fine where I am, just give me a towel as a blanket and a glass of water.
Billy:  No, come to bed, this is nuts.
Me:  Dude, for real, leave me here.

Billy bends down to pick me up and take me to the bedroom.  No joke, I grabbed a hold of the bathroom cabinet and pushed myself into the floor with all my might.

Me:  Billy!  Seriously!  leave me where I am!
Billy:  Babe, come to bed!
Me:  No! Leave me here!
Billy:  Babe, seriously, come to bed.
Me:  I’m not joking Billy, I’m fine here!

Haha ok, so you can see we’re both wicked drunk.  He tries to pick me up 2 more times and each time I grab a hold of the cabinet.  Finally, I’m just totally pissed off that he’s not listening to me AND keeps calling me Babe, so I shove him away, drag my sick ass up, somehow find my shoes, and stumble out the door.  He calls after me, “Fine leave then!”

I ride the elevator down and have the concierge call me a cab….did I mention I was crying by the time I made it to the concierge?  I was so pissed that this fucker wouldn’t just listen to me.  The cab showed up pretty quickly and I got in crying.  The cabbie started freaking out and saying, “don’t cry! don’t cry! are you ok?  did he hurt you?”  I assured him I was fine and that I hadn’t been raped.  He kept handing me tissues during the ride.  At one point the cabbie even wiped my cheek.  Totally surreal.  Anyways, I finally stumble into my apartment around 3:30am and promptly pass out on MY bathroom floor.

The next morning I woke up with a raaaging hangover and a text from Billy asking if I had made it home ok.  I texted back yes.  15 min later he called me and started blabbering about how it was the best date he had in 2 years and that he didn’t remember what he did that incensed me so much.  He thought I had left because I though he was going to try to “make a move” on me if I got in the bed.  I kept trying to ask if he wanted me to tell him why I really left but I couldn’t get him to shut up long enough.  Finally I just yelled, “Are you done?! Do you want me to tell you?!” and he said yes.  So I told him it was because he wouldn’t fucking leave me where I was on the floor!  He said, “oh….well, let me make it up to you and cook you dinner tonight”
Me:  “I’m sorry I have plans, maybe I’ll call you next week”

I haven’t called him.

James found me on facebook.  This is our exchange over facebook email.

James:    i am sitting around thinking, its late, there is this girl on my mind and i want to say hello…and how do i say hello… i remember her last name…. so, hello :)
James:    can we talk?

Me:      What would we be talking about?

James:    the world, space, the way your smile lights up my day…

Me:        I don’t really appreciate being treated this way. I really wish you could have gotten the insecurites under control, because it seemed like we had a good thing going there. Maybe if we run into each other again, we can be friends, but sadly, I’m really not interested in anything else.

James:    my insecurities were never in me, they were in you.
James:    and frankly, if we had such a good thing going you wouldnt let it go over a misunderstanding… but thats your deal, not mine
James:    i happen to really like you….

Me:        Right. Ok. i seem to remember you saying your friends had to reassure you over and over that I was into you. I also seem to remember you throwing in the towel because you made up a story in your head how I’d gone home with some dude. Oh, and you also didn’t want to date someone who was going on other dates. I think you were the insecure one.

This then moved to ichat.  I lost the first conversation because I got super pissed and shut it down w/o saving.  I went back on to see if I could retrieve it and he sent me a message saying I was playing games.  This is what ensued.

James:   oh come on, you arent done yet…
James:   jealous?
James:   how could i be jealous of somebody i do not even know?

Me:   well give me a better explanation
Me:   also, i’m not really the one playing games here
Me:   what have i done to you?
Me:   really??

James:   there are no games
James:   you want to know whats up?

Me:   i want to know what i did to you?

James:   i want a chance to get to know you and i want you to reconsider…..
James:   i like you
James:   alot

Me:  you still haven’t answered my question
Me:  because you keep turning this around on me

James:   i apologize, you did nothing
James:   im not trying to turn anything around on you
James:   i just really like you
James:   no games
James:   i want to know about your past by being a part of your future

Me:   the only thing your going to get me to agree on is that we might be friends in the future

James:   so you have no feelings for me?

Me:   no, not anymore
Me:   you acted really fucked up
Me:   and i have no interest in getting involved in that
Me:   and i’d say thats fair
Me:   because you weren’t who you made out to be
Me:   i’m sure you’re still really fun to talk to, thats not going to change, but theres a whole other side thats weird’
Me:   and i don’t want to have to worry about if i don’t call you are you going to think i’m with someone else
Me:   thats a bad way to start

James:  *my name deleted*

Me:   James

James:   you are right
James:   i am sorry for acting the way i did
James:   i really like you, and i reacted improperly…

Me:   ok, apology accepted. i still don’t want to go out with you again. i’m sorry
Me:   now this is where you say, “ok, well I hope we’ll run into each other again sometime”

20 min later….

James:   this is where i say, if you really wanted to know me you would have asked……

Me:   asked you what?
Me:   why you acted this way?
Me:   i thought i did several times

James:   why do you keep responding? you arent supposed to be there when i ask those questions….

Me:   lol
Me:   so….was that the question i was supposed to be asking?

James:   what does it matter?

Me:   it doesn’t really, now i’m just curious

James:   oh, please, i am James i am here to please your curiosities

Me:   hahah you’re the one who was posing the question
Me:   do whatever you want

James:   i just want to see your ass

Me:   ok, now thats my cue to leave
Me:   take it easy James

James:   lol

Then it got creepier (yes…it is possible).  I signed off after the “take it easy” and when I looked for the file this morning there was a new one from after i had signed off.

James:   you were already gone
James:   you just want a toy, you were gone the entire time
James:   i know :)
James:   you are just a product of kharma :)
James:   if you really liked me you wouldnt sway so easily
James:   so please do not tell me we had something good going when you arent even up for fighting for it
James:   i am a great catch
James:   so is a nice chilean bass
James:   i like you
James:   i like you alot…
James:   im sorry i got weird, im not used to feeling this way….. but i like it
James:   hey, can i have just a minute more?
James:   a simple yes or fuck off would suffice
James:   lady, i am the same man you met….
1:15 AM
James:   stop ignoring me…

I’m just bummed cause it had been a really long time since I felt like I connected with someone that way.  I mean, its not many men I take to see the balls on campus.  Bah, too bad i went to see them with MR. CRAZY!  So James, if you ever read this, fuck off.  But thanks for getting me to finally start the blog! :)

So we meet up at 8pm for dinner, and its amazing.  It’s as if I’ve known this guy for years.  The conversation just doesn’t stop.  So we’re having drinks over dinner and then head over to the bar to catch the show.

More drinking.  The band is rad.  More drinking.  Weeee!  This is fun!  I’m drunk!  Lets walk around campus.  Have you seen the balls on campus?  What??  You haven’t?  Omg.  Lets go, you gotta see this.

Shades of high school and college.  I haven’t had this much fun in years.  We kiss and walk back to his place and I’m just the right amount of buzzed for this.  Make out on the couch, I take my shirt off, he keeps telling me how beautiful I am.  He takes off my pants, this is so fucking hot.  Move on into the bedroom and its the best sex I’ve had in a long time.  Awesome.

Wake up in the morning a little shy (dang morning breath), but its good.  I don’t end up getting home until 1pm.  First date = success.

Over that week I hung out at his shop a couple times and we talked on the phone for 2 hours one night.  2 HOURS!  Wtf?  Am I sixteen??  Jeez.  All the times we talk he keeps saying how amazing I am, that he couldn’t believe I came into his shop, blah blah blah, 20 – 20 hindsite.  We weren’t going to see each other for a while because we’re both super busy but I got done with some family stuff early on Friday night and was downtown so I called to see if he wanted to come hang.  This is where the downward spiral begins.  I didn’t know it yet, but I was going to have an entire relationship in the course of a week and a half.  NEAT!

Alright, sooo, James says he doesn’t want to come downtown.  I say thats fine, I’ll hopefully see him sometime that weekend, no worries.  I’m watching my friend’s band downtown and James texts me.  We do some flirty texting back and forth and I say something like, “Would it be weird if I drunk dialed you later?”  He says, “I look forward to it,”.  Cool.

My friend’s band ends and its late and I’m tired so I text James saying just that and I would talk to him later, sorry no drunk dial tonight.  He texts me back and something about it made me think something was up (I don’t remember exactly, it was late, i was tired).  So I call him at 2am to see whats up but he doesn’t pick up.  I shrug my shoulders, stumble into bed, and crash OUT!  Yay!  Sleep!

Now, its 8am on Saturday morning and for some god knows what reason my eyes open.  Hmm…lets see if James called me back.  Oh look!  I’ve got a text!

“Thank you for reminding me never to fall in love”

….WTF.

I also have a voicemail from 3am.  The best I can gather from his message is he is pissed and doesn’t want to see me again because someone told him I was out on another date earlier that week.

WTF?!

Ok, admittedly, I had been on a date with someone else earlier that week, but who would have told him?  Why would he be so pissed after ONE DATE?!  Why would he throw away such an awesome thing?  Why am I awake at 8am?!?!

So I decide if he’s gonna act all high school, so am I.  At 8:30am, Saturday morning, I drive over to his house and wake his ass up.  Of course, he is very surprised to see me, and I’m livid (supposedly I’m pretty scary when mad).  I invite myself in and proceed to ask all the pertininent questions like….WTF HAPPENED WHILE I WAS ASLEEP???

His side of the story was, he hasn’t felt this way in a long time and he didn’t know how to handle it and when I texted him that I wasn’t going to drunk dial his mind went to some weird, dark, bad place and thought that I had ditched out on him and gone home with some random guy.  Right.  Ok.  Well, that’s completely not what I thought had happened.  But still pretty weird, and a little creepy.  I’m pretty much at a loss here as to how he could have come to that conclusion.  He seems like this totally confident guy, why would he be freaking out about this?  His friends have told him I like him.  I tell him I like him!  Why does it matter after ONE DATE?!  I should mention that, in the course of trying to figure all this out I told him about my date with the other guy.

He appologizes profusely saying it will never happen again.  I’m on the fence as to whether I want to see this guy again, but we end up hanging out all day and have a blast just talking.  I give him the benefit of the doubt and we make plans to go out again on Wednesday.  He doesn’t call me again all weekend.  Now, I know his parents are in town, but I text him twice and get no response and usually he’s really quick at getting back to me.  I hear nothing until I text him on Tuesday at 10pm to see if we’re still on for Wednesday.  I am also ready to throw in the towel because, well, people not texting you back even a quick message sucks balls.  So he finally calls me back and we talk for an hour and a half and solidify plans for the next day.

Wednesday rolls around and at 7pm he texts me asking if we can talk.  Oooooh this is bad.  But I’ve got this sick curiosity going at this point.  I call him.

James:  Hey, there are a couple things I’ve been thinking about since our talk on Saturday.  Can I ask you about them?
Me:  Um..sure.  Ask away. *in my head*  Jeezus, just ask the damn question!
James:  So that night you went out on that other date, you told me you were going out with a girlfriend.
Me:  No I didn’t. *omg, he’s crazy and still totally insecure*
James: Yes you did.
Me:  No I didn’t.  I wouldn’t have said that.  If I said anything about it at all, I would have said I’m going out with a friend. *I know I said I was going out with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while*
James:  No, you said girlfriend.
Me:  Jeezus, thats totally not my style, and anyway, whats your point?
James:  You did say girlfriend, but your right, I guess it doesn’t matter.
Me:  Right.  Next? *craaaazy!  but I really want to see where this is going*
James:  So you’re seeing other people, I don’t know how I feel about that.
Me:  Ok, well, I’m not ready after one date to just jump right in. *I understand that point of view but…ONE DATE!*
James:  Well, I think you’re not giving this a chance.
Me:  What?!  Just because I’m seeing other people doesn’t mean I’m not giving this a chance.  We’ve been on ONE DATE.  I don’t know you!  We go out a bunch of times, see if we like each other and then we have the girlfriend/boyfriend conversation.  Being monogamous is a conversation you need to have.
James:  Well I really disagree.  And I think you’re not into this.
Me:  Well, I don’t know you, so I’m not going to stop seeing other people just yet.  If you don’t like that, I’m sorry, but I’m not going to change my mind.  Ball’s in your court.  Still want to go out?
James:  I don’t think I do.
Me:  Ok.
James:  Ok.  Bye.
Me:  Take it easy!

Sigh.  So much for first impressions.