Top 3 Things My Ex Did That Made Me Want to Slap Him.

Ok, I’ve got another post I’m working on in the same vein as the last.  (yep, surprise surprise, baby boy was not the last to get all jerky after sex)  but its not done yet.  To bide some time, here are my top three things that my ex did that made me want to throttle him.  Now they’re just making me giggle though.  In no particular order:

 

The Time I Accidentally Fucked a 17 Year Old.

The crazy thing is that I’m still totally confused about this experience.  Ok, maybe not confused, but still hurt.  I let myself be totally vulnerable because I thought the person was in it with me.  I don’t know if I was wrong about that part or if it just got to be too much for him and he bailed.  Either way, it still sucked.

This was quite a while ago, but here’s a play by play as I remember it:

 

Don’t Mind Me, I’m Just Some Random Dude.

So that last post reminded me of another recent interaction with the opposite sex.  Remember when I said, “If you’re going to interrupt a perfectly delightful conversation at least have some conversation to back up your interruption,”?  Not only did this guy not have anything to add he just came off as a super creepy weirdo.

 

Can I Be Your Sweet Thing? Oh Baby!

I gotta say, last night was impressive.  I actually got to experience the TEXTBOOK wingman pick-up line.  I don’t know how I’ve managed to miss out on the pick-upy goodness up to this point.  But wow, this was some good stuff.

I was at a show with a girlfriend, and we are obviously engaged in a very deep and fascinating conversation (it was either debating what event defined our generation, September 11th or Kurt Cobain’s suicide, or discussing the merits of gay porn, I can’t remember which).  But anyway, we both see these two dudes roll up to us.  Now, my friend is thinking “Aaaawwwmaaan, incoming!”  She is happily involved with someone, but since she is an awesome friend, she plays along.  (I am single, she didn’t want to cock-block if I was into one of them)

 

This Jerk Factor Goes to 11

It got dragged out.  Its true.  I’ve got this terrible thing imbued in me called politeness and it makes it very hard for me to hurt people’s feelings.  I’m working on it though!  See my New Year’s resolutions for this year…

1.  Be meaner!  2.  Don’t care about what people think!  3.  Floss more!

Well, back to when I was young and reeeeally stupid.  Sephy and I hung out one last time and then I had the friends talk again with him.  Again, he said he didn’t want to do that “friends bullshit”.  So I stopped talking to him completely.  To my non-surprise, I get the whinny, sad, why aren’t we even friends email.  At this point I’m like fuck it.  I politely reitterate my point of view which is, “We’re not dating.  You don’t want to be friends.  There isn’t anything in between.  Just leave it alone for a while.”

The calls, the emails, it doesn’t stop, and even this post is boring me….lets just get to the good part.  Check it!

 

“I Don’t Want to Bang you” Doesn’t Mean “I Want to Bang You”

Since I’ve started this endeavor, I’ve been thinking a lot about my past.  Alright, honestly, I think about my past a lot anyway, but this has really narrowed the focus.  Here’s the thing, when it comes to my relationships, I’ve noticed that a reoccurring theme in most of these experiences is the tendency of men to not take no for an answer.  This seems to lead to spectacularly creepy endings of said relationships.

James was a perfect (and recent) example of this and it got me thinking about who else has treated me this way (because as battshit crazy as James is, he’s certainly not the first guy I’ve dated to go off the deep end). This jaunt down memory lane first lead me to Sephy.

 

#1 Thing to Say to a Girl When You’re About to Bang

“Ooooh yeah.  Go ahead.  Touch my thrombosis.”

Points for originality.

 

Yuppie Folk

One of the worst dates ever I accidentally went out with probably the only Republican in my town.  So, his name is Billy and he lives in the same building as one of my friends.  We make plans to meet up at one of my fav bars and right off the bat he’s super touchy feely.  He keeps touching my lower back and trying to hold my hand.  I keep pulling my hand away.  He asks me if holding hands is weird and I try to explain that…um…yes, I don’t know you, and if I just met you, trying to hold my hand is a little too intimate.  He backs off for a little bit but keeps trying….(weirdo).  Anyways, I really can’t remember what tipped me off (I was several vodka sodas in) but I realize this man is a Republican.  Not only is this man a Republican (I can tolerate that) but he’s a pro-war, pro-life, gun toting Republican (i’ll get to the pro-life thing later…).

So we spend the next hour or so debating the war.  His stance is that Bush was dealt a bum deal.  I just can’t believe people actually still think that the war was necessary.  I’m trying to hide the look of disgust and horror because I’m slowly realizing if he’s this pro Bush and McCain…he’s gotta be pro-life too.  Ok, ok, I know this is a lot of political ranting here.  Sorry.  All through the debate, he keeps saying stuff like, “wow, I like listening to you talk.”  “you really know your stuff”.  Well, yes.  I happen to be an informed individual…is that so surprising?  I’m sucking down vodka sodas like there’s no tomorrow….which hopefully explains why I let him kiss me.  (BARF!)  So, yeah…there was some making out at the bar and somehow it was decided that we’d go back to his place for some wine and cigars….sigh.

So on the way back to his place we’re still talking politics and I straight up ask him if he’s pro-life.  We both know he is and to his credit he admits it to which I say, “I’m sorry, i can never date a man who’s pro-life”.  He starts back peddling but whatever, its waaay too late.  I’m explaining why I feel that way as we make our way into his apartment where, I shit you not, he dims the lights and puts on the Smooth Jazz station on the digital TV.  Smooth Jazz people!  WTF?  This guy is 31.  And this is about where the night takes its final turn for the worse.

 

It’s not me, it’s you. But I loooove you anyway. Can we bang now please?

Aaaand here’s the update, ie.  this is where things get really fucked up.

James found me on facebook.  This is our exchange over facebook email.

James:    i am sitting around thinking, its late, there is this girl on my mind and i want to say hello…and how do i say hello… i remember her last name…. so, hello :)
James:    can we talk?

Me:      What would we be talking about?

James:    the world, space, the way your smile lights up my day…

Me:        I don’t really appreciate being treated this way. I really wish you could have gotten the insecurites under control, because it seemed like we had a good thing going there. Maybe if we run into each other again, we can be friends, but sadly, I’m really not interested in anything else.

James:    my insecurities were never in me, they were in you.
James:    and frankly, if we had such a good thing going you wouldnt let it go over a misunderstanding… but thats your deal, not mine
James:    i happen to really like you….

Me:        Right. Ok. i seem to remember you saying your friends had to reassure you over and over that I was into you. I also seem to remember you throwing in the towel because you made up a story in your head how I’d gone home with some dude. Oh, and you also didn’t want to date someone who was going on other dates. I think you were the insecure one.

This then moved to ichat.  I lost the first conversation because I got super pissed and shut it down w/o saving.  I went back on to see if I could retrieve it and he sent me a message saying I was playing games.  This is what ensued.

 

Why so insecure? I told you I liked you!

I met James while working as a waitress.  He came into my restaurant with his parents a couple times and there was this mutual chemistry.  There was just something about this guy that seemed cool and different.  He actually liked spending time with his parents!  And it always seemed like they were having a great time.  I wanted to just sit down and hang out with them!  Anyway, I was going out of town for a while but he had told me where he worked and said I should come by when I got back around.  I thought about him a couple times while I was away and made it a point to stop by his work when I got home.  I walked into the shop and I can tell he’s stoked to see me.  I’m really excited too!  We exchange numbers and he actually calls me a couple days later (wow!).  We make plans to hang out and see some music.

So we meet up at 8pm for dinner, and its amazing.  It’s as if I’ve known this guy for years.  The conversation just doesn’t stop.  So we’re having drinks over dinner and then head over to the bar to catch the show.

More drinking.  The band is rad.  More drinking.  Weeee!  This is fun!  I’m drunk!  Lets walk around campus.  Have you seen the balls on campus?  What??  You haven’t?  Omg.  Lets go, you gotta see this.

Shades of high school and college.  I haven’t had this much fun in years.  We kiss and walk back to his place and I’m just the right amount of buzzed for this.  Make out on the couch, I take my shirt off, he keeps telling me how beautiful I am.  He takes off my pants, this is so fucking hot.  Move on into the bedroom and its the best sex I’ve had in a long time.  Awesome.

Wake up in the morning a little shy (dang morning breath), but its good.  I don’t end up getting home until 1pm.  First date = success.

Over that week I hung out at his shop a couple times and we talked on the phone for 2 hours one night.  2 HOURS!  Wtf?  Am I sixteen??  Jeez.  All the times we talk he keeps saying how amazing I am, that he couldn’t believe I came into his shop, blah blah blah, 20 – 20 hindsite.  We weren’t going to see each other for a while because we’re both super busy but I got done with some family stuff early on Friday night and was downtown so I called to see if he wanted to come hang.  This is where the downward spiral begins.  I didn’t know it yet, but I was going to have an entire relationship in the course of a week and a half.  NEAT!